We’ve dealt with the good and bad of a few things that are basically all about getting love, but this week we’re running the opposite way and talking about what happens when it all comes crashing down. The break up. Statistically you’ll have more of these than anything else because you’re not going to just date multiple people and keep those relationships all going forever, right? Sorry Kody from Sister Wives, but that is not the life for everyone else in the world. Almost every ship that crashes and burns gets taken down by a handful of the same things, so you have to know how to spot the negatives and know when it is time to just walk away. Which isn’t a bad thing. You have to know when to move on and being a real adult hopefully means ending things in good graces. Let’s face it though, that’s not the case for 99% of us…While romcoms showcase ice-cream cry fests, if you break it off on good terms you won’t be too down on yourself but first you have to know when it’s time to break it off.
People like to stay together for a number of reasons. Whether it’s kids, having a history, or not wanting to leave the apartment because they have rent control and neither have enough in the bank to make deposit on a new place. Whatever the case, if things aren’t working out anymore, it’s time to quit and move on – in that last case literally. You don’t want to wind up wasting time with someone who does nothing for you be it sexually, personally or spiritually. It’s okay to admit that you two aren’t working out and it’s okay to be the one to pull the plug. Sometimes that can lead to having a shroud of guilt but don’t – you did them a favor by walking away before you both spent a decade on a ship destined for the same fate as the Titanic.
You’ll know in your heart and guts when it’s time to say adios to this person you once said “I love you” too, but that doesn’t mean you’ll do it right away just because everything in you is screaming “END IT NOW!” In that case, Karl Pillemer’s 30 Lessons for Loving noted a few warning signs to watch out for that I broke down:
- No one likes them: Your family and friends are always saying what an ass they are.
- Explosive and Disproportionate Anger: They get angry too often and it’s out of control more often than not.
- Violence: This goes hand in hand with the anger issues, but once they switch from yelling to physical attacks; DONE.
- Alcohol: Drinking when you’re out with friends or on a date is one thing, but all the time to the point that their signature smell is Jack’s – they don’t need you, they need AA.
- Controlling: You are more like their slave than their significant other.
- Demeaning: They are always making you feel like shit. They are basically your middle school bully.
Of course other signs are that you just don’t love them like you once did include you finding someone else, feeling like they are going to fit into the future you have painted for yourself – all of the above are things to think about and if you check “yes” on any of these, remember it’s okay to break it off with someone. It doesn’t make you a monster. What does is dragging people along because you don’t want to be alone or are cheating on them.
Being a child born of a single mother and a father who was married to another woman at the time of her conception, I watched my parents get along pretty well for the most part – I never understood people who could not be friends after they agreed to no longer be romantic. I also could never understand kids who were driven to therapy over their parents splitting up, but that’s another story for another day. For me, if two people don’t belong together they shouldn’t be but that doesn’t mean they can’t be civil to one another. That’s just because I grew up watching my parents be more like friends than anything else – even though they did get romantical at least once more since I have a brother six years my junior. Nevertheless, breaking up doesn’t mean that person has to exit your life – so long as you end things in a mature manner. This means not posting insanely juvenile crap on Facebook about them soon after you’re over with. Not like I have a family member who’s done that…
Romcoms over the years have depicted breakups as the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person in their 20’s and 30’s, but let’s face it. Those Sallie Mae calls have to be a hundred times worse than a guy leaving you for someone else. So skip the romcoms here and look to Demi Lovato’s “Really Don’t Care” when you need the strength to get over someone and move on. Whether or not you take the musical suggestion, it’s freeing to ditch the sadness over heartbreak and move onto the next because let’s be real – it didn’t work with that person for a reason, so that means the right person is still out there.
This week we’ll talk to a guy who’s been on both sides of the breakup, talk a little more about Demi, look at a romcom that left me upset and more.